Mystical Mundane

When tragedy strikes, we are often faced with failure. Not failure of our own self - because it is expected that we break down during tragedy - but failure of belief systems to provide comfort or failure of the support from people we were sure we could have counted on. Having your child die feels like the worst violation. It tears away everything you believe in. Gods  become empty, people become paper cut-outs and the sun is merely some transparent disk hanging in a dead sky. Words take on a hollowness and sound strange and the feeling that somehow life isn't real begins to chew and gnaw at the edges of sanity. In that space of thought, as the void of absence spirals and pulsates like a sick, broken and foreign entity - things fall away. Not just useless things, but useful things. Everything separates and tumbles down scattered at your feet and you step over, and away from them as you wander blindly, in pain. There is a need to pull back from the ache and ill feeling of desolation ...

I've seen so many posts/meme's from people who are aching to kick 2016 out the door and bring in 2017.  Mostly due to celebrity deaths. Deaths of people that were known by the vast majority only for their outward presentation and not for who they really were. But anyhow -- this was what I wrote: https://www.facebook.com/byrch.wynd/posts/10157917358035375 2016 wasn't a bad year to me. Most of it was great. I had all my children here with me. My oldest was back from Japan for the first few months of it. He came home in May of 2015 and was here til April 2016. My youngest of the three older ones made lots of positive changes in his life and started moving forward on the right path. A path he walked even though none of his friends did. And my beautiful daughter was alive. No - for me, 2016 wasn't the worst year. Yes, Caitlin 's body failed (for reasons we aren't sure of yet) and her essence left it. Yes this crushed me and has changed me forever - in some ways I do...

Tomorrow will be December 7th. Three months since she died. Not only do Fridays in general sit in my memory as 'The Friday the police officer told me my daughter had passed away that afternoon', but now there is also the 7th of each month that stands out for me. And of course there is now her Death Date along with her Birth Date. Those two days that changed me forever. Do I say that too much? Am I repeating myself now? I read yesterday about an adorable little 3 year old boy beaten so badly by his mother's boyfriend that he died. It hurts so much to read those things. It always has. Thinking about their fear, their pain. Poor sweet little innocent child - full of terror. And then I think of Caitlin dying so (apparently) peacefully and I think... 'Well, at least it probably didn't hurt her a lot to die, at least she was (probably) sleeping at the time'. It is so amazing to think that my pain at losing her is probably so much smaller than that of a parent who'...

It's up, not decorated - though the lights are on it (but not turned on) And two little thingies for my daughter. Read the original post and comment stream on Friendica

http://godisinthewind.com/post/153749360236/lonelygodinthetardis-its-funny-the-day-you-lose This - spot on. :(

Always has been my favourite time of year. On dry days, the few leaves left on almost bare branches make an empty almost rattling noise as the rustle against grey skies. Last weekend was FanExpo. It was nice but tiring. My highlights were getting John Barrowman's autograph on a memorial picture of my daughter, and having a chance to chat with the beautiful, amazing and genuine Alex Kingston. Alex Kingston is also known as River Song to the Doctor Who fans out there and she was such an absolute joy to meet. I just wanted to thank her for  existing mainly. Felt a need to tell her - this perfect stranger - about my daughter passing. I wanted to tell her what a wonderful inspiration her River Song character was : intelligent, cheeky, sexy, compassionate and selfless. I'm not sure what the usual protocol is as far as being allowed to just walk up to an actor at these things and blab your personal grief at them, but her crew let me go right to her, where she took my hand as I spoke. ...

Just passed the one month anniversary of her passing. I brought in death certificate in to Services Canada to get it photocopied. That way they can authorize it as being a true copy and will submit my application for death benefits without me having to mail it off via snail mail. Not sure if anything will be granted, but whatever is granted will go back to those who have paid for these funeral costs. Then I came home and called her cellphone provider to cancel her account. I have her phone here. I already had the contents deleted on it. Reason being - these days a cell phone is like our personal journal. Most of her fav pics were all on FB anyhow and private texts etc.. email access... that's not mine or anyone else's business. So I had a place wipe it out, and all that was left were some pics on the removable card. I checked with her boyfriend and he said that was fine and agreed with that choice also. However I started scrolling through my phone as I waited on hold. looked at...