Apr 7, 2018

Little Joys and Gentle Interactions While Loss is Nestled Firmly


So, I was doing morning prayers - albeit a bit late but I got started at just a tick or two before noon so -- close enough. (slept in after being up late playing a new game that caught my attention) . I have been trying to keep to the offices of the day as part of my process of healing, as well as part of my 'distance' assistance to the AJC as an Oblate in their Order of St. John 



Anyhow ~ the passage for today is Mark 16:9-15 . A passage I've read quite a few times because it's a passage often discussed. It is thought to be a later addition to sort of soften the very abrupt ending of Mark. I was contemplating how very abrupt death feels when that person leaves. Thinking about Caitlin and how suddenly lost and abandoned I felt. Yes abandoned. - not her fault. not intentional but that is the 'feeling' that sinks in. The sudden pain and emptiness. I let my mind play over the different reasonings for the addition- was it originally left off because the rest of it was already known and wasn't necessary to say? Was it left off because it didn't happen? etc ~ in some ways the same manner in which I would ponder the ending of any story - especially a story that had such a profound affect on history to follow.



 



I thought again about Caitlin's passing. How I LONGED to have some sense of her presence after she left but I didn't. I had a forced vision once - because seeing her in the casket had crushed me like a ton of bricks. Literally making it hard to breathe each day afterward. I had forced myself to see her in a different way - make a new 'last vision' of her. And I turned from the sink where I was doing the dishes, stared at the kitchen chair, and saw her. long blue sweater, jeans and t shirt bent over her 3DS, playing animal crossing, saw the smile. And suddenly that last image of her in the casket was erased.



But to have an actual non invoked feel of her presence had not happened.



 



I did start finding dimes everywhere, and often in places right as I was thinking of her - on the sidewalk in front of me while thinking about how I used to run into her as I was picking up the kids from school and she was coming to babysit, or in her totebag that said Follow your Heart that I opened just the other week, or really - everywhere. Dimes have become abundant....



 



So I sat in that feeling of 'suddenly gone, the emptiness left behind, those who loved Jesus and followed him on the journey we read about, now he is gone and they are alone... makes sense that the stories would arise afterward about seeing him' --- So suddenly i thought, 'you know, im going to go grab my Jewish annotated New Testament and compare the passage notes ' - even though I have read on this troublesome passage many times.



 



So - regardless I got up from my prayer stool and went to the book shelf in the livingroom, pulled out the Jewish Annotated New Testament and out fell the Animal Crossing Amiibo cards that Caitlin had bought for me , for mother's day? My birthday? Can't remember -- can only remember that it was in the months before she  died and i was CRUSHED that I wasn't able to find them. And there they were... I was pondering my feeling of abandonment at her death, wondering about signs and sadness and it prompted me to want to read more, to understand and there was the last gift she gave me... the cards, in their cute cheerfulness, falling from the space where I pulled out the book. I hadn't seen those cards in almost two years... saw them the one day and put them away - stuffing things away in 'safe places'. What a perfect time to find them.

Gift from my Girl



 



Coincidence? Sure. Did my subconscious know they were there and THAT is why I felt driven to get the book? Maybe. IS Caitlin's essence here, somewhere - within me, within the air, the wind, reunited with source and able to break through and interact as part of that source from time to time? Very likely.



 



I don't understand death. I know what it means when the body stops living, but death itself I have no idea what, where, anything. I read many various things and try to stay open so that the divine can leak into this realm from time to time and remind me that this isn't all there is.

Jan 3, 2018

No, I've not abandoned it

This blog I mean. I just don't feel like I have a lot to say. Some days are alright, some are horrible. Some days I go through the whole day without that sinking feeling, then other days (like yesterday) it suddenly hits me so hard I want to vomit.

I miss her.

It's cold and icy.

I'm not living healthily.

Oh, I found something that I'm kind of excited about. Ball-Jointed Dolls. An expensive hobby, but you know, if I'm not buying liquor and cigarettes that makes a  huge difference.

These are the two dolls I'm hoping to get in the next two months. Both are from Doll Leaves.

Nina : http://www.doll-leaves.com/doll/view_488.html



and Jeremy: http://www.doll-leaves.com/doll/view_485.html



They will not have the outfits/wigs etc as shown - its a process to get them how I want them to be, but I'm excited about it.

Also, as I still hate Facebook (but love that my daughter's legacy page is there as well as a few people I can't talk to elsewhere) I was glad that someone who runs a group I belong to on FB suggested maybe having it somewhere else. I told him to check out MeWe because it's actually a very decent social network without tracking, algorithms or ads. And although I love Diaspora, for groups it just doesn't work. So I was back poking about on MeWe again today and really it's still a very impressive place. As for privacy its almost too private - public posts don't even exist - so its very low on the troll/briefing scale.  If you are on mewe or want to check it out, Im there ~ https://mewe.com/i/birch.wind  It's even pleasant to look at!

mewe profile There is quite a bit of information about MeWe, just scroll down on the main home page and read their About and all that stuff .

Anyhow, nothing thought provoking tonight, just checking in to say im still here. *cheers*

Oct 13, 2017

A year has come, and passed.

How is it that a whole year just went by? I admit that I have, for the most part - been in a state of disassociation I think. Sometimes worse than others.  But suddenly the day was here.

I had spent about 3 weeks FULLY completely dreading it. Then two weeks wondering what I should plan. Should I ask if her friends want to get together? How do I pay begrudging respect to this shitty day? Do we honour more, the day someone is born? They day they die? Do I HAVE to do anything at all? But not doing anything would feel so, so wrong. Also, it would be the Thanksgiving weekend.

Last year, when she died, October 7th fell on a Friday. The Friday before Thanksgiving. This year, October 7th fell on the Saturday. In most ways, Friday was the hardest because the Day Before Thanksgiving Weekend will always stand out in my mind. Walking the kids home from school, coming home and then having the police officer say what he said. Saturday was just sad.

It wasn't sad that Caitlin's younger brother , who just turned 23, came over for dinner with my husband, and our two youngest boys. That was great. He is doing well and is healthy and I'm proud of him. But he is the Youngest of the First Three. The three I raised when barely more than a child myself. I had my first son at 16, then Caitlin and her brother within a few years of him.  We were on our own most of the time and we struggled through life.

And now.. . it was him holding fort as the First Batch kidlett. His older brother living in Japan, his older sister passed away to wherever she is. Just him. And that made me sad. Normally the three of them  would be chatting, bugging each other etc. The 28 year old with his dry sarcasm and subtle ridiculousness, Caitlin with her constant chatter and 'Right mom?', and the 23 year old with his lively talk and ability to bounce back and forth between his older brother and sister. Often poking at both of them and ribbing them into what would have once been a big fight but over the years had tamed down into good natured laughter.

So my one son, he came for the whole day saturday, and as usual tried to initiate conversation with his little 8 and 10 year old half brothers. But those two aren't very social with people other than their dad and I. Social enough with friends, but they don't normally chat with any adults easily. Though they did pretty good with Caitlin.

We did the 'right' thing and went to the cemetery.  I didn't really want to go. I don't feel her there. And it kind of creeps me out knowing that her shell is decaying in the soil beneath. That's the biggest reason, though I don't say that to those who take comfort in going to her grave. At least there is  lovely headstone and people leave such pretty things for her. So -- Im glad it is of comfort to some. Not to me. I just find myself standing their awkwardly - unable to say much at all. Being in the presence of her burned body via ashes wouldn't help either. Nor would it be better for me if she was scattered to the wind. It all feels wrong anyhow so....

Went to the cemetery and picked up the lovely image a person had printed out and left at her grave for us. When i first saw it there I left it there, but then as soon as i got home I asked the cemetery owners if they could put it aside for me. So... yeah. got that.

JPEG_20171007_171141JPEG_20171007_171228

On the front, a printed out image of the Doctor, pressed against the wall, separated from Rose because she was sent to a different dimension. Severed for eternity. The one episode I cried most in, my daughter and a few of my friends had WARNED me it was a tough episode but BOY did I cry. Written on the back, kind words from strangers ~ right down to the same Allons-y tattooed on my arm. The 10th Doctor's catch-phrase.

So, then we went home and I made a very non traditional Meatless Enchiladas for our very small,  but very appreciated family meal. I told the rest of the family that I really just couldn't do the big Thanksgiving this year. Everyone was very understanding.

Now, the following weekend, that day has passed. I feel badly for not doing more. But at the same time, I know my daughter was very okay with taking the most comfortable route and she would be telling me 'It's okay mom, as long as we had good food and dessert!' :)

I love you my sweet lil girl. Forever and Ever.

Sep 16, 2017

End of Summer

This is about the time that all the trees with their dried out leaves begin to whisper about the Fall.

It is a time of year I normally love.

This year it is tainted and darker. There is more than just random stories in the chatter of the leaves. More than just a collection of memories from the stretched days of spring and summer.

This year there is a hushed conversation. Tentative and strained.

It feels like the preparation for a reenactment of that day. The day that will come again in about 3 week's time.

The day the police officer and his irritating sidekick (what was she? Victim's services? I don't even remember, her demeanor made me cringe, even in my shock) arrived to say those words "I'm sorry to inform you, at about 2:30 this afternoon, your daughter passed away".

I feel it like yesterday.

And it feels as though it is building up toward that scene once more. A horrible anniversary special.

Autumn has always been my favourite time and I recall last autumn, after she passed how deeply every single bit of seasonal glory stabbed me in the chest with a physical pain I could not have imagined. The feeling of her presence pulling out, separating, removing itself from my being, where it had been for almost 23 years.

As the days grow shorter and the dialogue of the trees becomes more consistent, I find myself in a precarious place of joy and agony.

I will love you forever. Through All of Time and Space.

[caption id="attachment_2970" align="alignnone" width="224"]photo Tattoo I had done in honour of her. 'Allons-y' being the catch phrase of #10 (David Tennant) , the TARDIS to represent her journey beyond time and space. A rose for the character Rose who broke the doctor's heart when they had to be separated in different dimensions. Snowdrops or her birth flower and 'All of Time and Space' ~ said by #11 . Colouring will be done next.[/caption]

 

Jul 23, 2017

BC Fires

Some drone footage of some of the inhabited areas devastated by our hundreds of fires here right now.

 

May 6, 2017

Apr 23, 2017

No sugar coating

Mostly I just feel like shit.

I feel old, tired, ugly, disillusioned, sad and angry.

Don't tell me to see a counselor. Just don't. Because there is nothing anyone can say to make anything better.

Unless his or her child died. Maybe then we'd have something to talk about. Otherwise no.

Yes, I have lots to live for, yes I know she'd want me to keep going. I'm SAD for fuck's sake, not stupid.

I want a week off to stay in bed and do nothing.

I want a pity party and no one is invited.

There is NO right way to deal with this. There is no choice. There is just day, after day of words, and events. Some of those small. Some of those bigger.

Games pull me out of it a bit - online interactions with people in virtual landscapes who can't see me make faces at them when they irritate me, or can't see me cry when they trigger me, but who can really make me laugh even though I feel empty inside sometimes. I can log off when it gets to be too much.

Church has helped too. Theologically I'm not in agreement and I don't much give a shit. It's the experience. The motion in my heart. And knowing that I'm in a place where I could probably cry and it would be okay. I can stand and listen to the voices singing and chanting and just lose myself in the moment.

Maybe there's a theme. Losing myself. But intentional losing myself, unlike the disassociation that occurs when I walk down the street and I feel the breeze and suddenly wonder if any of this is real.

I love my kids. That is real. It is so real it hurts. I love them each so much. I wish my daughter wasn't dead. But she is. My sons are not. They are alive and I love them just as much as their sister . That is worth living for.

DSCF7085