Sep 16, 2017

End of Summer

This is about the time that all the trees with their dried out leaves begin to whisper about the Fall.

It is a time of year I normally love.

This year it is tainted and darker. There is more than just random stories in the chatter of the leaves. More than just a collection of memories from the stretched days of spring and summer.

This year there is a hushed conversation. Tentative and strained.

It feels like the preparation for a reenactment of that day. The day that will come again in about 3 week's time.

The day the police officer and his irritating sidekick (what was she? Victim's services? I don't even remember, her demeanor made me cringe, even in my shock) arrived to say those words "I'm sorry to inform you, at about 2:30 this afternoon, your daughter passed away".

I feel it like yesterday.

And it feels as though it is building up toward that scene once more. A horrible anniversary special.

Autumn has always been my favourite time and I recall last autumn, after she passed how deeply every single bit of seasonal glory stabbed me in the chest with a physical pain I could not have imagined. The feeling of her presence pulling out, separating, removing itself from my being, where it had been for almost 23 years.

As the days grow shorter and the dialogue of the trees becomes more consistent, I find myself in a precarious place of joy and agony.

I will love you forever. Through All of Time and Space.

[caption id="attachment_2970" align="alignnone" width="224"]photo Tattoo I had done in honour of her. 'Allons-y' being the catch phrase of #10 (David Tennant) , the TARDIS to represent her journey beyond time and space. A rose for the character Rose who broke the doctor's heart when they had to be separated in different dimensions. Snowdrops or her birth flower and 'All of Time and Space' ~ said by #11 . Colouring will be done next.[/caption]


Jul 23, 2017

BC Fires

Some drone footage of some of the inhabited areas devastated by our hundreds of fires here right now.


May 6, 2017

Apr 23, 2017

No sugar coating

Mostly I just feel like shit.

I feel old, tired, ugly, disillusioned, sad and angry.

Don't tell me to see a counselor. Just don't. Because there is nothing anyone can say to make anything better.

Unless his or her child died. Maybe then we'd have something to talk about. Otherwise no.

Yes, I have lots to live for, yes I know she'd want me to keep going. I'm SAD for fuck's sake, not stupid.

I want a week off to stay in bed and do nothing.

I want a pity party and no one is invited.

There is NO right way to deal with this. There is no choice. There is just day, after day of words, and events. Some of those small. Some of those bigger.

Games pull me out of it a bit - online interactions with people in virtual landscapes who can't see me make faces at them when they irritate me, or can't see me cry when they trigger me, but who can really make me laugh even though I feel empty inside sometimes. I can log off when it gets to be too much.

Church has helped too. Theologically I'm not in agreement and I don't much give a shit. It's the experience. The motion in my heart. And knowing that I'm in a place where I could probably cry and it would be okay. I can stand and listen to the voices singing and chanting and just lose myself in the moment.

Maybe there's a theme. Losing myself. But intentional losing myself, unlike the disassociation that occurs when I walk down the street and I feel the breeze and suddenly wonder if any of this is real.

I love my kids. That is real. It is so real it hurts. I love them each so much. I wish my daughter wasn't dead. But she is. My sons are not. They are alive and I love them just as much as their sister . That is worth living for.


Apr 21, 2017

Old computers...

I have this old netbook thingy Eee.... it is running windows 10. Somehow. Wondering about a linux install instead. Kubuntu? Mint or...

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Apr 7, 2017

Slightly Weird

I know I've remote followed a few people from gnusocial. Like 2 or 3? but I seem to have the feed of all the people I follow on gnusocial,here at Friendica ... and its two way interactive..... same email? same looking person? How do I have these peoples posts in my feed when i didn't atually add them here at Friendica?

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