Posts

Another year almost here

Image
October 7th will be two years. Two years that she has been gone. I can't say I 'had' a daughter. That seems like such blasphemy. The correct term to me is 'HAVE' a  daughter. But she is no longer huggable. I can no longer hear her laughter or her voice. I can't look forward to any more of her accomplishments because there are none. Autumn again, and it's the same smell in the air. The same quirky wind and dampening light. The time of year I have always loved. Now it's also the time of year that I remember the knock on my door. The face that uttered words telling me she was gone. Autumn d├ęcor goes up, as does a sense of dread. Macabre song of leaves in the trees. This year also has included the end of my marriage. Though truthfully it ended long ago, it took a long time to realize that there was no light to sustain it. Just angry words and poison. Seeds from the harvest, in fruit that is past its time, Sink into the earth. From the decay comes life they

Little Joys and Gentle Interactions While Loss is Nestled Firmly

Image
So, I was doing morning prayers - albeit a bit late but I got started at just a tick or two before noon so -- close enough. (slept in after being up late playing a new game that caught my attention) . I have been trying to keep to the offices of the day as part of my process of healing, as well as part of my 'distance' assistance to the AJC as an Oblate in their Order of St. John  Anyhow ~ the passage for today is Mark 16:9-15 . A passage I've read quite a few times because it's a passage often discussed. It is thought to be a later addition to sort of soften the very abrupt ending of Mark. I was contemplating how very abrupt death feels when that person leaves. Thinking about Caitlin and how suddenly lost and abandoned I felt. Yes abandoned. - not her fault. not intentional but that is the 'feeling' that sinks in. The sudden pain and emptiness. I let my mind play over the different reasonings for the addition- was it originally left off because the rest of it

No, I've not abandoned it

Image
This blog I mean. I just don't feel like I have a lot to say. Some days are alright, some are horrible. Some days I go through the whole day without that sinking feeling, then other days (like yesterday) it suddenly hits me so hard I want to vomit. I miss her. It's cold and icy. I'm not living healthily. Oh, I found something that I'm kind of excited about. Ball-Jointed Dolls. An expensive hobby, but you know, if I'm not buying liquor and cigarettes that makes a  huge difference. These are the two dolls I'm hoping to get in the next two months. Both are from Doll Leaves. Nina : http://www.doll-leaves.com/doll/view_488.html and Jeremy: http://www.doll-leaves.com/doll/view_485.html They will not have the outfits/wigs etc as shown - its a process to get them how I want them to be, but I'm excited about it. Also, as I still hate Facebook (but love that my daughter's legacy page is there as well as a few people I can't talk to elsewhere) I was glad that s

A year has come, and passed.

Image
How is it that a whole year just went by? I admit that I have, for the most part - been in a state of disassociation I think. Sometimes worse than others.  But suddenly the day was here. I had spent about 3 weeks FULLY completely dreading it. Then two weeks wondering what I should plan. Should I ask if her friends want to get together? How do I pay begrudging respect to this shitty day? Do we honour more, the day someone is born? They day they die? Do I HAVE to do anything at all? But not doing anything would feel so, so wrong. Also, it would be the Thanksgiving weekend. Last year, when she died, October 7th fell on a Friday. The Friday before Thanksgiving. This year, October 7th fell on the Saturday. In most ways, Friday was the hardest because the Day Before Thanksgiving Weekend will always stand out in my mind. Walking the kids home from school, coming home and then having the police officer say what he said. Saturday was just sad. It wasn't sad that Caitlin's younger brothe

End of Summer

Image
This is about the time that all the trees with their dried out leaves begin to whisper about the Fall. It is a time of year I normally love. This year it is tainted and darker. There is more than just random stories in the chatter of the leaves. More than just a collection of memories from the stretched days of spring and summer. This year there is a hushed conversation. Tentative and strained. It feels like the preparation for a reenactment of that day. The day that will come again in about 3 week's time. The day the police officer and his irritating sidekick (what was she? Victim's services? I don't even remember, her demeanor made me cringe, even in my shock) arrived to say those words "I'm sorry to inform you, at about 2:30 this afternoon, your daughter passed away". I feel it like yesterday. And it feels as though it is building up toward that scene once more. A horrible anniversary special. Autumn has always been my favourite time and I recall last autum

BC Fires

Some drone footage of some of the inhabited areas devastated by our hundreds of fires here right now.  

Jappix melted into Movim?

It looks similar to minds.com - which is opensourced and was created in part by Elgg peeps. What IS movim exactly? Read the original post and comment stream on Friendica