Jul 23, 2017

BC Fires

Some drone footage of some of the inhabited areas devastated by our hundreds of fires here right now.


May 6, 2017

Apr 23, 2017

No sugar coating

Mostly I just feel like shit.

I feel old, tired, ugly, disillusioned, sad and angry.

Don't tell me to see a counselor. Just don't. Because there is nothing anyone can say to make anything better.

Unless his or her child died. Maybe then we'd have something to talk about. Otherwise no.

Yes, I have lots to live for, yes I know she'd want me to keep going. I'm SAD for fuck's sake, not stupid.

I want a week off to stay in bed and do nothing.

I want a pity party and no one is invited.

There is NO right way to deal with this. There is no choice. There is just day, after day of words, and events. Some of those small. Some of those bigger.

Games pull me out of it a bit - online interactions with people in virtual landscapes who can't see me make faces at them when they irritate me, or can't see me cry when they trigger me, but who can really make me laugh even though I feel empty inside sometimes. I can log off when it gets to be too much.

Church has helped too. Theologically I'm not in agreement and I don't much give a shit. It's the experience. The motion in my heart. And knowing that I'm in a place where I could probably cry and it would be okay. I can stand and listen to the voices singing and chanting and just lose myself in the moment.

Maybe there's a theme. Losing myself. But intentional losing myself, unlike the disassociation that occurs when I walk down the street and I feel the breeze and suddenly wonder if any of this is real.

I love my kids. That is real. It is so real it hurts. I love them each so much. I wish my daughter wasn't dead. But she is. My sons are not. They are alive and I love them just as much as their sister . That is worth living for.


Apr 21, 2017

Old computers...

I have this old netbook thingy Eee.... it is running windows 10. Somehow. Wondering about a linux install instead. Kubuntu? Mint or...

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Apr 7, 2017

Slightly Weird

I know I've remote followed a few people from gnusocial. Like 2 or 3? but I seem to have the feed of all the people I follow on gnusocial,here at Friendica ... and its two way interactive..... same email? same looking person? How do I have these peoples posts in my feed when i didn't atually add them here at Friendica?

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Feb 9, 2017

Something I read and enjoyed at a blog I follow