A month and two days

Just passed the one month anniversary of her passing.

I brought in death certificate in to Services Canada to get it photocopied. That way they can authorize it as being a true copy and will submit my application for death benefits without me having to mail it off via snail mail. Not sure if anything will be granted, but whatever is granted will go back to those who have paid for these funeral costs.

Then I came home and called her cellphone provider to cancel her account. I have her phone here. I already had the contents deleted on it. Reason being - these days a cell phone is like our personal journal. Most of her fav pics were all on FB anyhow and private texts etc.. email access... that's not mine or anyone else's business. So I had a place wipe it out, and all that was left were some pics on the removable card. I checked with her boyfriend and he said that was fine and agreed with that choice also.

However I started scrolling through my phone as I waited on hold. looked at all the messages her and I had sent back and forth over the past year. Some I seem kind of short with her , she was rarely short with me. But some of my responses seemed as though I were busy and not really paying attention. So of course I felt like the biggest failure ever after reading them.

Then again some messages are cute and funny and show how well we get along. But boy i did not say I love you much... or even at all in the messages from the past year. I know ive said it in person... but I was never mushy mom. I was more 'sarcastic mom' - I KNOW she knows I loved her. God I hope she knows that. I hope she felt it while she was alive.

Today is a dark day full of pain. Some days, like yesterday - it was better. I was looking at puppies and squeeing over how dear and cute they were. Yesterday I could say 'love you Caitlin!' randomly, just like saying it to a friend who is on their way out the door, casual and without horrific pain - like at the cemetery last night when we went to secure our own plots near her. But today it hurts so much.

There is this line. One one side is acceptance, a knowledge that my pain is about me missing her but that death happens to each of us and it's never really a GOOD time unless one is suffering with horrible illness. That side also has the 'at least she passed in her sleep' and 'at least she passed while enjoying life as she saw fit, happy and with so many who loved her'

On the other side is this dark space. Where I call out and say 'for FUCKS SAKES ! This is NOT okay and I want you here now! She can't be gone. Why is she gone? What the fuck is wrong with the doctors that couldn't pay better attention to possible heart issues. why was it up to HER to distinguish between panic attack palpitations and heart valve issues?! (not that we are even sure right now if that is the cause but it is likely) How dare her smiling face , and bright eyes and sniffly little nose NOT be here?!

So today that's the side of the line I'm on today.