Tomorrow will be December 7th. Three months since she died. Not only do Fridays in general sit in my memory as 'The Friday the police officer told me my daughter had passed away that afternoon', but now there is also the 7th of each month that stands out for me. And of course there is now her Death Date along with her Birth Date.
Those two days that changed me forever. Do I say that too much? Am I repeating myself now?
I read yesterday about an adorable little 3 year old boy beaten so badly by his mother's boyfriend that he died. It hurts so much to read those things. It always has. Thinking about their fear, their pain. Poor sweet little innocent child - full of terror. And then I think of Caitlin dying so (apparently) peacefully and I think... 'Well, at least it probably didn't hurt her a lot to die, at least she was (probably) sleeping at the time'. It is so amazing to think that my pain at losing her is probably so much smaller than that of a parent who's child has died traumatically. And then I say a prayer for that child. Those parents. And then All the children. All the parents with aching hearts.
All these wounded people with missing parts that went missing the day their child died.
I wonder if some people think it's odd for me to refer to her as my child, considering she was 23. Do people think that I should grieve less because she was older? Is it harder to lose a child who had only a few years with a parent? With a lifetime of lost, never-to-happen experiences? Is it harder to lose a child who only lived into a new adult and that you got to know and love for over 20 years and who still had so many experiences ahead of them? I dont think it matters. We love and when we lose, we die a bit.
My friend's dad died a few years ago. Her uncle - her dad's brother- was in the same hospital. The uncle had been quite unwell and so my friend's grandparents were in the other room visiting the uncle, while my friend's dad who seemed to be doing quite well with his cancer but who had JUST come into the hospital because he wasn't feeling so well - died. Then, minutes later her uncle died also. True story. Her grandparents lost both their sons within minutes from non related cancers. And then her grandmother lost her husband a year later. I heard the story when it first happened. Marveled at how cruel and amazing it was that both brothers passed in that manner. But I couldnt understand her grandmother's pain. I had lost my grandmother, a few friends in school and my dog of 13 years... but there is nothing at all like losing your child regardless of age and now I feel like I'm part of some club. I passed an initiation. And I hate it.
To finish off my ramblings today - I started a fundraising thingy here on my blog. My webhost has kindly set up SSL on the site for security and I'm using the Give WP plugin to take donations. I have an amount owing for Caitlin's funeral service that I wasn't fully made aware of until yesterday. I wasn't going to do this sort of thing but my little guys - I want them to have a really wonderful Christmas. It is going to be so hard for all of us this year but I feel like I need to make it as awesome as possible to help brighten up our burned out spirits. If I can get any help with the funeral costs it means that I don't have to worry about it so much and can concentrate on making the holidays better.
So.. yeah. Asking for some help.
Okay, best get dinner done and on the table. Thanks to those of you who stop in and read my rambles. <3