Mystical Mundane

Always has been my favourite time of year. On dry days, the few leaves left on almost bare branches make an empty almost rattling noise as the rustle against grey skies. Last weekend was FanExpo. It was nice but tiring. My highlights were getting John Barrowman's autograph on a memorial picture of my daughter, and having a chance to chat with the beautiful, amazing and genuine Alex Kingston. Alex Kingston is also known as River Song to the Doctor Who fans out there and she was such an absolute joy to meet. I just wanted to thank her for  existing mainly. Felt a need to tell her - this perfect stranger - about my daughter passing. I wanted to tell her what a wonderful inspiration her River Song character was : intelligent, cheeky, sexy, compassionate and selfless. I'm not sure what the usual protocol is as far as being allowed to just walk up to an actor at these things and blab your personal grief at them, but her crew let me go right to her, where she took my hand as I spoke. ...

Just passed the one month anniversary of her passing. I brought in death certificate in to Services Canada to get it photocopied. That way they can authorize it as being a true copy and will submit my application for death benefits without me having to mail it off via snail mail. Not sure if anything will be granted, but whatever is granted will go back to those who have paid for these funeral costs. Then I came home and called her cellphone provider to cancel her account. I have her phone here. I already had the contents deleted on it. Reason being - these days a cell phone is like our personal journal. Most of her fav pics were all on FB anyhow and private texts etc.. email access... that's not mine or anyone else's business. So I had a place wipe it out, and all that was left were some pics on the removable card. I checked with her boyfriend and he said that was fine and agreed with that choice also. However I started scrolling through my phone as I waited on hold. looked at...

So - just touching base here to keep things straight. Days just sort of meld into one another. Funeral was on the 22nd. Monday my son returned to Japan - ouch. That was a real huge load of sad feels watching him get into my dad's car for the ride to the airport.  Then it was Tuesday. I had a 12-case of beer and drank them throughout the day. It took the edge off. Wednesday I did the same. Then I had a phone call conversation with a friend who talked about being open to her presence. I realized that if I just drink all day, EVEN if not drunk but still buzzed and mildly sedated all day, that I won't be able to feel her, or sense her. Won't be sure if what I feel is real or just beer induced weirdness. My friend also mentioned something that kind of sat with me. He and I became friends online through a game we both played, and I have other online friends as well. He said "We've never met, hugged etc., yet there is a close friendship. Caring. What we are does not know ...

When a life ends, it's like the entirety of what they were returns to it's source. The emptiness and void I feel is the Lack of Her. As she  withdrew from here, she disentangled, disengaged from me. Her loss as physically painful as a part of my body being removed. Soon, I hope I will be able to learn to more clearly feel her presence in it's new form. I know that she manifests in the love of those who care for her, and is part of the same source that activates each of us. But right now, the severing of her from me is so overwhelming that I can't really feel anything but loss. It isn't day to day, it's minute to minute. Minute to minute.    

Or second hardest. First hardest I guess was when the police told me she passed. Yesterday was the funeral but so many people were there.. (200?) that i had little time to be sad. Or be anything. Just do, do do... and then we had open house also for any family or friends. But today it was the fact that all I could feel was dread. She looked nothing like herself. Maybe because it took 2 weeks for the funeral.. she looked bloated and old and NOT 23 beautiful. I saw this shell. Without our spirit our shell is strange and cracked, broken. Today was a slight spiral down into a bit of madness and darkness.

So. October 7th of this year, my life changed. A police officer and some woman accompanying him came to my door about dinner time. They confirmed my name. They confirmed that I had a daughter... had. The police officer then went on to tell me : "I'm sorry to inform you but your daughter passed away this afternoon" This was the Friday of the Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. I was told that being a long weekend the coroner probably wouldn't call until Tuesday so just 'spend time with family now, because not much can be done until Tuesday'. Since that day, what have I accomplished. Choosing the funeral director Choosing cemetery. Choosing a casket. Choosing to have open casket pior to the service Choosing to then go to the cemetery for the burial Choosing to have open house following the burial at my home Signed off on a 10,000.00 bill Got the date picked by confirming that my son can get time off from school Confirmed that the date wo...

There go the windchimes. Wooden and clanking in the pre-dawn breeze. A song my heart understands in this darkness