Mystical Mundane

October 7th will be two years. Two years that she has been gone. I can't say I 'had' a daughter. That seems like such blasphemy. The correct term to me is 'HAVE' a  daughter. But she is no longer huggable. I can no longer hear her laughter or her voice. I can't look forward to any more of her accomplishments because there are none. Autumn again, and it's the same smell in the air. The same quirky wind and dampening light. The time of year I have always loved. Now it's also the time of year that I remember the knock on my door. The face that uttered words telling me she was gone. Autumn décor goes up, as does a sense of dread. Macabre song of leaves in the trees. This year also has included the end of my marriage. Though truthfully it ended long ago, it took a long time to realize that there was no light to sustain it. Just angry words and poison. Seeds from the harvest, in fruit that is past its time, Sink into the earth. From the decay comes life they...

So, I was doing morning prayers - albeit a bit late but I got started at just a tick or two before noon so -- close enough. (slept in after being up late playing a new game that caught my attention) . I have been trying to keep to the offices of the day as part of my process of healing, as well as part of my 'distance' assistance to the AJC as an Oblate in their Order of St. John  Anyhow ~ the passage for today is Mark 16:9-15 . A passage I've read quite a few times because it's a passage often discussed. It is thought to be a later addition to sort of soften the very abrupt ending of Mark. I was contemplating how very abrupt death feels when that person leaves. Thinking about Caitlin and how suddenly lost and abandoned I felt. Yes abandoned. - not her fault. not intentional but that is the 'feeling' that sinks in. The sudden pain and emptiness. I let my mind play over the different reasonings for the addition- was it originally left off because the rest of it ...

This blog I mean. I just don't feel like I have a lot to say. Some days are alright, some are horrible. Some days I go through the whole day without that sinking feeling, then other days (like yesterday) it suddenly hits me so hard I want to vomit. I miss her. It's cold and icy. I'm not living healthily. Oh, I found something that I'm kind of excited about. Ball-Jointed Dolls. An expensive hobby, but you know, if I'm not buying liquor and cigarettes that makes a  huge difference. These are the two dolls I'm hoping to get in the next two months. Both are from Doll Leaves. Nina : http://www.doll-leaves.com/doll/view_488.html and Jeremy: http://www.doll-leaves.com/doll/view_485.html They will not have the outfits/wigs etc as shown - its a process to get them how I want them to be, but I'm excited about it. Also, as I still hate Facebook (but love that my daughter's legacy page is there as well as a few people I can't talk to elsewhere) I was glad that s...

How is it that a whole year just went by? I admit that I have, for the most part - been in a state of disassociation I think. Sometimes worse than others.  But suddenly the day was here. I had spent about 3 weeks FULLY completely dreading it. Then two weeks wondering what I should plan. Should I ask if her friends want to get together? How do I pay begrudging respect to this shitty day? Do we honour more, the day someone is born? They day they die? Do I HAVE to do anything at all? But not doing anything would feel so, so wrong. Also, it would be the Thanksgiving weekend. Last year, when she died, October 7th fell on a Friday. The Friday before Thanksgiving. This year, October 7th fell on the Saturday. In most ways, Friday was the hardest because the Day Before Thanksgiving Weekend will always stand out in my mind. Walking the kids home from school, coming home and then having the police officer say what he said. Saturday was just sad. It wasn't sad that Caitlin's younger brothe...

This is about the time that all the trees with their dried out leaves begin to whisper about the Fall. It is a time of year I normally love. This year it is tainted and darker. There is more than just random stories in the chatter of the leaves. More than just a collection of memories from the stretched days of spring and summer. This year there is a hushed conversation. Tentative and strained. It feels like the preparation for a reenactment of that day. The day that will come again in about 3 week's time. The day the police officer and his irritating sidekick (what was she? Victim's services? I don't even remember, her demeanor made me cringe, even in my shock) arrived to say those words "I'm sorry to inform you, at about 2:30 this afternoon, your daughter passed away". I feel it like yesterday. And it feels as though it is building up toward that scene once more. A horrible anniversary special. Autumn has always been my favourite time and I recall last autum...

Some drone footage of some of the inhabited areas devastated by our hundreds of fires here right now.  

It looks similar to minds.com - which is opensourced and was created in part by Elgg peeps. What IS movim exactly? Read the original post and comment stream on Friendica

Mostly I just feel like shit. I feel old, tired, ugly, disillusioned, sad and angry. Don't tell me to see a counselor. Just don't. Because there is nothing anyone can say to make anything better. Unless his or her child died. Maybe then we'd have something to talk about. Otherwise no. Yes, I have lots to live for, yes I know she'd want me to keep going. I'm SAD for fuck's sake, not stupid. I want a week off to stay in bed and do nothing. I want a pity party and no one is invited. There is NO right way to deal with this. There is no choice. There is just day, after day of words, and events. Some of those small. Some of those bigger. Games pull me out of it a bit - online interactions with people in virtual landscapes who can't see me make faces at them when they irritate me, or can't see me cry when they trigger me, but who can really make me laugh even though I feel empty inside sometimes. I can log off when it gets to be too much. Church has helped too....

I have this old netbook thingy Eee.... it is running windows 10. Somehow. Wondering about a linux install instead. Kubuntu? Mint or... Read the original post and comment stream on Friendica

I know I've remote followed a few people from gnusocial. Like 2 or 3? but I seem to have the feed of all the people I follow on gnusocial,here at Friendica ... and its two way interactive..... same email? same looking person? How do I have these peoples posts in my feed when i didn't atually add them here at Friendica? Read the original post and comment stream on Friendica

Just popping in with a hello! Read the original post and comment stream on Friendica

https://thevalueofsparrows.com/2017/02/09/psalms-when-it-feels-like-god-is-absent-by-daniel-f-polish/

When tragedy strikes, we are often faced with failure. Not failure of our own self - because it is expected that we break down during tragedy - but failure of belief systems to provide comfort or failure of the support from people we were sure we could have counted on. Having your child die feels like the worst violation. It tears away everything you believe in. Gods  become empty, people become paper cut-outs and the sun is merely some transparent disk hanging in a dead sky. Words take on a hollowness and sound strange and the feeling that somehow life isn't real begins to chew and gnaw at the edges of sanity. In that space of thought, as the void of absence spirals and pulsates like a sick, broken and foreign entity - things fall away. Not just useless things, but useful things. Everything separates and tumbles down scattered at your feet and you step over, and away from them as you wander blindly, in pain. There is a need to pull back from the ache and ill feeling of desolation ...

I've seen so many posts/meme's from people who are aching to kick 2016 out the door and bring in 2017.  Mostly due to celebrity deaths. Deaths of people that were known by the vast majority only for their outward presentation and not for who they really were. But anyhow -- this was what I wrote: https://www.facebook.com/byrch.wynd/posts/10157917358035375 2016 wasn't a bad year to me. Most of it was great. I had all my children here with me. My oldest was back from Japan for the first few months of it. He came home in May of 2015 and was here til April 2016. My youngest of the three older ones made lots of positive changes in his life and started moving forward on the right path. A path he walked even though none of his friends did. And my beautiful daughter was alive. No - for me, 2016 wasn't the worst year. Yes, Caitlin 's body failed (for reasons we aren't sure of yet) and her essence left it. Yes this crushed me and has changed me forever - in some ways I do...

Tomorrow will be December 7th. Three months since she died. Not only do Fridays in general sit in my memory as 'The Friday the police officer told me my daughter had passed away that afternoon', but now there is also the 7th of each month that stands out for me. And of course there is now her Death Date along with her Birth Date. Those two days that changed me forever. Do I say that too much? Am I repeating myself now? I read yesterday about an adorable little 3 year old boy beaten so badly by his mother's boyfriend that he died. It hurts so much to read those things. It always has. Thinking about their fear, their pain. Poor sweet little innocent child - full of terror. And then I think of Caitlin dying so (apparently) peacefully and I think... 'Well, at least it probably didn't hurt her a lot to die, at least she was (probably) sleeping at the time'. It is so amazing to think that my pain at losing her is probably so much smaller than that of a parent who'...

It's up, not decorated - though the lights are on it (but not turned on) And two little thingies for my daughter. Read the original post and comment stream on Friendica

http://godisinthewind.com/post/153749360236/lonelygodinthetardis-its-funny-the-day-you-lose This - spot on. :(

Always has been my favourite time of year. On dry days, the few leaves left on almost bare branches make an empty almost rattling noise as the rustle against grey skies. Last weekend was FanExpo. It was nice but tiring. My highlights were getting John Barrowman's autograph on a memorial picture of my daughter, and having a chance to chat with the beautiful, amazing and genuine Alex Kingston. Alex Kingston is also known as River Song to the Doctor Who fans out there and she was such an absolute joy to meet. I just wanted to thank her for  existing mainly. Felt a need to tell her - this perfect stranger - about my daughter passing. I wanted to tell her what a wonderful inspiration her River Song character was : intelligent, cheeky, sexy, compassionate and selfless. I'm not sure what the usual protocol is as far as being allowed to just walk up to an actor at these things and blab your personal grief at them, but her crew let me go right to her, where she took my hand as I spoke. ...

Just passed the one month anniversary of her passing. I brought in death certificate in to Services Canada to get it photocopied. That way they can authorize it as being a true copy and will submit my application for death benefits without me having to mail it off via snail mail. Not sure if anything will be granted, but whatever is granted will go back to those who have paid for these funeral costs. Then I came home and called her cellphone provider to cancel her account. I have her phone here. I already had the contents deleted on it. Reason being - these days a cell phone is like our personal journal. Most of her fav pics were all on FB anyhow and private texts etc.. email access... that's not mine or anyone else's business. So I had a place wipe it out, and all that was left were some pics on the removable card. I checked with her boyfriend and he said that was fine and agreed with that choice also. However I started scrolling through my phone as I waited on hold. looked at...

So - just touching base here to keep things straight. Days just sort of meld into one another. Funeral was on the 22nd. Monday my son returned to Japan - ouch. That was a real huge load of sad feels watching him get into my dad's car for the ride to the airport.  Then it was Tuesday. I had a 12-case of beer and drank them throughout the day. It took the edge off. Wednesday I did the same. Then I had a phone call conversation with a friend who talked about being open to her presence. I realized that if I just drink all day, EVEN if not drunk but still buzzed and mildly sedated all day, that I won't be able to feel her, or sense her. Won't be sure if what I feel is real or just beer induced weirdness. My friend also mentioned something that kind of sat with me. He and I became friends online through a game we both played, and I have other online friends as well. He said "We've never met, hugged etc., yet there is a close friendship. Caring. What we are does not know ...