The summer has been odd.
I've not spent the time outside that I normally have. We went away to the island, and that was fantastic, but then we got back here and I fell into my same old habits of internet addiction.
The sad thing is, I'm not even focused.
Started a course in Kemeticism and I am 6 assignments behind. I've gained more weight. I have so many ideas about different things and nothing gets complete. Then I feel like a failure.
My perception is so easily skewed.
Part of me wants to accept that it is simply the way I am, and accept, and love myself regardless.
The other part of me thinks that's a huge fucking cop-out.
I feel this constant irritation or tug. This vague vastness that is trying to pull me out of the chaos and bring me home.
I don't know what it is though, so it just pricks and prods at me.
I need to get back into my spiritual practice - but try as I might, 'little me' has other ideas. Wanting to play games, browse online endlessly, start a million projects and complete none.
It's a sense of exasperation that 'Real Me' is having with 'little me' --- wanting to move forwards, but being tripped and tricked into circles.
I tell myself that I'm going to finish this, or organize that and I feel quite sure about it and then lo and behold ---- nope.
This inward spiral is helping. Shorter days and cooler nights.
Seems to calm down that excited little voice and I feel that inner solidity finding its way again.
One can only hope.