It's 7am on Saturday morning. The rain is drizzling. But it's a nice morning. I couldn't sleep. I think I'll read for a bit. Some nice books arrived via Chapters yesterday. My Gnostic Book of Hours that I had been meaning to get for quite some time, and Cynthia Bourgeault's Centering Prayer book. I really like the way she describes the Centering Prayer. I've been wanting to apply myself to that practice of deeper silence , but my brain has resisted and my chatty little ego has found ways to deter me. THIS time I'm winning! :)
I often get so many thoughts and ideas in my mind. Some of them are great and are worthy of dedicating time to...others seem to lose my interest once I actually start applying myself to them. I AM going to learn how to quieten myself. Rather than wanting to start twenty projects at once, I AM going to learn to think things through more fully.
Now, for the family. Everyone is great. I often still sit in shock thinking... wow. I have five kids. What on earth did I do to deserve them? My beautiful, wonderful, sometimes nerve grinding and hair pulling children ;)
It reminds me that blessings are not bestowed upon those who earn them. It reminds me that blessings are bestowed almost randomly. Sprinkled and scattered... as though they are tossed down upon us from time to time. The deserving and the non-deserving.
I've never fully understood why some people can have piles of children, almost effortlessly... and others struggle their whole life with wanting nothing more than the joy of a child, yet are never 'blessed' with this.
To say 'Well, the Divine has other plans for you' is not at all comforting. I spent alot of time on a fertility/parenting board. I was pretty darn active there, with over 8000 posts. Time and time again, I saw the suffering and heartache of those who were giving every ounce of themselves to becoming a parent. Their bank accounts, their bodies (to hormone therapy and medical procedures), their spirit. I can't ever really put in words how totally heartbroken I have been for someone who'm Ive never even met in person. Watching their struggle over the past few years , to become a mother. Meanwhile, all around her the seemingly undeserving are having child after child. Mothers who are drug addicts and alcoholics that continue the use of substances during pregnancy, mothers who are sharp tounged and foul mouthed who are pregnant with baby number five or six.
It seems so faulty.
And then I remember... the world IS faulty. And WRONG. But sometimes the most amazing things happen anyway. The Divine flows through cracks and crevices of this faulty realm. And if we break open a bit of space, the Divine will manifest through that as well.
To understand the whole concept of the Demiurge, and the creation of this world of fault, one would have to refer to the Gnostic writings, especially those that refer to the Myth of Sophia.
Father Jordan Stratford from the Apostolic Johannite Church has a nice write up here as well: The Gnostic World View .
Why are things this way? The deserving go unfavoured, the non-deserving seem to come out ahead? All part of some great mystery I guess. First and foremost though, a relationship to the Divine is there for everyone, and even though some pains seem too great to bear, offering your pain, and your tears, and your grief to God can be a relief.
I do believe that each of us contains a soul that needs to learn. I think that we live out many different life experiences before we are ready to move on to a new level of consciousness. We learn poverty, grief, wealth, ignorance, joy, gain, loss... and so on. We live as the abuser, we live as the abused.
From 'The Thunder, Perfect Mind' :
For I am the first and the last. I am the honored one and the scorned one. I am the whore and the holy one. I am the wife and the virgin. I am <the mother> and the daughter. I am the members of my mother. I am the barren one and many are her sons. I am she whose wedding is great, and I have not taken a husband. I am the midwife and she who does not bear.
The experience of opposites. The experience of experience. The only reason I can see for the unreasonable amount of suffering.
Well, I'm going to do my morning prayers. We bought insulation from the garage yesterday. We are going to insulate the garage wall to help cut out the outside noise. The decor is coming along quite nicely. We have a main altar table, more for decor than anything else. Then along the east wall, two smaller tables. One for myself and one for my husband. That way we each have whatever visual stimuli we want on our own table. Our own little space. I've been acquiring some Byzantine icons as well as other smaller things, and that's not really my husband's thing. So, rather than decorate one big altar table with all my imagery and either have him stuck with staring at it, or requiring me to put it away after each use, we each have our own little shrine :)
Now, off I go to read for a bit before the little ones wake up! (I'll post some pictures later)
In Love & Light!