The Holiday Season was far more enjoyable than I had expected. Sure, there were the bills that didn't get paid, but each child got what they really wanted and that meant alot to me. We aren't the kind of family that buys gifts all year long. Gifts are (for the most part) saved for Birthdays and Christmas. For this reason, it is important to me to try to make those days special for them... not because its ALL about the gift, but because it's cool to make their dreams come true. Feels great as a parent...right up there with keeping them safe, and making them feel loved. :)
It has definitely been a rebirth for me.
My spirit within. My divine spark. Slowly but surely, I'm carving a path for myself in the wilderness, and I think I have a direction in which to travel. Forward.
However, my moods have been still as cruddy as while pregnant. It's like I have a miniature form of bi-polar. The pendulum swings from hour to hour. Like PMS 24/7. So, I decided to do what I told myself I would never do again. Medicate myself. Paxil.
I was on Paxil quite a few years ago... 1996 I believe, til 2000? It helped me at the time for some major panic attacks and general anxiety. I remembered it helped in tapering my angst levels, so I thought maybe I'd try it again.
This time round however I am not liking the side effects. I don't recall it kicking my behind like this time. Insane hot flashes with cold sweats, complete insomnia at night... and I'm only taking 10mg.
However, I do find that I have more motivation to get things done about the house, and I do find that I am enjoying playing with the little ones more these past days. Until recently it has seemed like my brain is busy thinking about something else. Anticipating the next move, thinking about an upcoming event. So when the kids talk to me, I don't hear them. Instead I'm playing out in my head how I am going to make my new business cards, or whether or not the plants were watered.
And every little thing throws me.
I can wake up happy, do morning prayers, light candles and incense, make a tea, take my vitamins, and then Dante decides to throw his cereal on the floor, or the dog eats the garbage and suddenly I hate life. Like HATE it. From serene to utter disappointment in a heartbeat. I know alot of people go through this, but it was affecting my life. It was affecting the way I interacted with the kids.
When I was growing up I was pretty obsessive. I had to wash both hands the same number of times, I had to try the window lock 6 times before sleeping to make sure it was locked, my socks had to come up the exact same height on both legs or I would have a fit and refuse to attend school, same with my barrettes in my hair, and sleeves etc. Running my hand down the banister of the stairwell, I had to lift my hand off right at the moment I stepped off the last stair.
It was weird. I don't remember when it started entirely, and I don't remember when it ended. I know I was queen of temper tantrums and don't know that I ever entirely outgrew them.
So it occurred to me that maybe I've always had some troubles, and now that I'm not pregnant or nursing, and therfore the hormonal shifts are also back in play, that maybe I need assistance.
Hell, even trying to do a simple ritual the other day, my mind kept wandering. I was alone, doing a personal ritual to start my day, and halfway through doing a banishing pentagram I was thinking about how now that I have a new design for my business site, I should really change the design on my business cards.
I asked the doctor about ritalin. I seem to have all the symptoms my son has , and 'they' have tried to get me to medicate him with ritalin forever.But my actual family doctor is away on maternity leave and he knew nothing about adult adhd.... nor do I.
I only know what I feel, the whole 'all the channels are going at the same time' thing. Meditation? LOL... no, my brain does not shut up long enough to meditate. Most specifically the last two weeks of the month.
I was even taking vitex/chasteberry to help, along with regular multi's, omegas, calcium/mag... blah blah blah.
So, because Paxil worked for me before, at least to balance out my moods somewhat, I figured I'd try that again. AND I asked the doctor to send me to a shrink so I could discuss the issues in more detail.
It's been about two weeks, and as I said , oddly I feel more complacent. I actually was able to read today, which was great. Usually reading is just as futile as meditating. I was able to do a bit of a meditation last night also. And it felt good. (though I have to admit, the fact that I had insomnia contributed to the fact that I was such an apt meditator last night :D)
Also, I am glad to say, that at least for now, my spiritual interest does not feel squelched. I was worried that if I went on meds, that I would lose my interest in Gnosticism and Hermetics etc., but the opposite seems to be happening. I feel less obsessive over building and editing my many sites that I am always working on, but more interested in reading posts, and members blogs, and actual paper books. Actually absorbing some info.
So.... let's see how 2010 goes.
In all honesty, 2009 was lovely. I learned so many new things. Doorways opened up all about... spiralinward.com was born and I am SO happy. Terraspirit.ca had to get closed down, but went through a make over and I think will be a-ok. So, it was a good year, but I know this one can be even better if I can get my moods straightened out.
My family is happy, beautiful and well. My loved ones are safe.
I feel good. (and I bet even if the dog is eating the garbage as I write this, I will STILL feel good - just a bit grossed out.)