Well, things have been what they usually are for the most part. Today was one of those days that made me want to pull my hair out, (not a good idea, seeing as how I'm going through post partum hair loss right now).
We buried Ziggy under our Heavenly Bamboo. We received little Goku back. (we gave him away because Ziggy wouldn't stop bullying him). All is calm in the animal category of my life.
Dante has been sick and wow... miserable as heck. And clingy. That does not work well with 16 week old Demetrio whom also wants to be held all the time. The past few days, everything has been a challenge... cleaning, meal prep, dressing myself. One of the two babies is always crying. Making dinner consisted of Dante screaming and throwing toys around in the living room , and me pushing Demetrio back and forth in the stroller, with my foot, in the kitchen, trying to cook, while he screamed desperately. Demetrio gets sooooo upset when Dante has temper tantrums. I didnt make it out of my track pants and t shirt today (umm, also my sleepwear) but I did get showered and teeth brushed.
My 16 year old is sick too. It's hard to tell with her because she suffers from allergies, so her sinuses are always bothering her, and she has a chronic cough. My 14 year old did his sister's share of kitchen duty tonight, (he's buttering me up for money to go to the movies tomorrow). My oldest turned 20 last Friday. And for the second birthday in a row now, no call from his dad. We haven't heard from him since before his 19th birthday... mid March last year I believe. It bothers me a lot. He should be proud of his boy for going to University, and staying out of trouble. He was a dream for a teenager.
Now, for me.
Well, other than the pulling hair out thing, I have been journeying down a new path. Technically new for me.
Witchcraft and Gnosticism has crossed paths multiple times for me. Researching ritual history, and elementals, reading Blavatsky and others. I actually was looking into Gnosticism a bit more deeply of late . Not just to learn more about ceremonial magick or occult history, but looking into the spiritual aspects of it. The beliefs. (which are varied).
Much of it holds a truth for me that runs alongside my beliefs of the Divine. (Ive mused the Divine in previous blog entries)
I have often gone off on tangents with people about how it seemed to me that the god in the bible did not seem to be the god that Jesus was referring to... that rather God, or the All, should not be a jealous, vengeful god... and that God is not some bearded man in the sky like Zeus... God is Love. The overwhelming emotion that grabs hold of me when I see something beautiful in the simplicity of nature, or in my baby's smile... when the trees dance in the breeze... those things that happen of their own accord, like the colours shed by the setting sun on an autumn evening..... THAT is God. Like a nightlight in a room that is dark and frightening. Those things are the reminders that the Divine is out there, and in us...
Ok, well anyhow... I realized that my beliefs lie in the general area of many Gnostic paths, and I have decided to embrace this. It just feels so right to me.
The Demiurge - I had always thought that although the bible held a truth, that the God portrayed was a false God. And although I felt Jesus was a pretty incredible guy, I did not see him as God incarnate, though he undoubtedly contained the essence of the Divine. His message was important, but I always wondered what he was REALLY saying had it not all been misconstrued.
So... that's where I'm at right now.There is no physical Church close enough for me to attend, but I am hoping to be able to be received into the Apostolic Johannite Church. It is the closest to me, one of them being in Victoria.
I feel that in my Craft, acknowledging Lord and Lady as male and female energies of the divine are compatible. And while I had never been able to tap into a Goddess energy before, when learning about Sophia, or Wisdom, I finally felt a connection. I never was able to feel as though any particular diety felt right... I can't believe I did not hear of the Myth of Sophia before.
Alot of it gels with what Eckhart Tolle (I read him many months before he got popular on Oprah... no one I knew had ever heard of him when I read 'A New Earth') says about how you are not your thoughts (ego)... that you are the one that is AWARE of those thoughts....'You' are actually connected to the fullness, the Divine, and that that is you. Separating your self from all the outside noise. Ego seemingly part of the imperfect creation of the Demiurge.
Anyhow. I have a lot to learn obviously. I'm looking forward to it.