I have to let go. I have been too angry lately. I have beautiful children. One who has his first full day of University today, one in her first full day of grade ten, and one in his first full day of grade nine.. and of course, little D.. and #5 snug and warm in my belly.
The ex has not been paying child support, has not even been having contact with the kids. Is in a very messed up state and in the chaos of that life I have his significant other contacting me, leaving messages, texting me, saying crazy things. Neither of them is emotionally well.
Its hard on the kids, because they were promised money for things, money for school, visits etc, and they feel completely abandoned. There is so much more, but I will not sink down to that level and say all the angry things that have been so heavy in my heart lately. No... Ive let them go. I have to.
It hurts so much to think that their father does not seem to care as much as I do. And from that hurt came alot of anger. How DARE he not call them. How DARE he not pay for them. How DARE he not see them for weeks and weeks on end.. etc etc etc....
I have to accept that he will never be the dad I had hoped for.
He will never be what I wanted him to be.
I could say that I made a poor choice in breeding with him, but then that would be to say that I am not thrilled to death with my children, and I very much am.
Out of all not so great situations can come greatness. And I have three lovely children as proof of that every day.
And this is not an attack on men. Please. Many mothers out there are the same. I have many male friends who have had to deal with such issues from a reversed angle. It is no different, no better no worse. This is simply the angle I am dealing with it from.
I am with a great man now, that I have known for almost 13 years and we have one child together, and one on the way, and I know that this time round I made a wide choice (as did he ;) ), but that doesnt make these two younger children any more important than my three older ones.
I feel so blessed to have such a full family, and I am tired of being angry at things I have no control over. Hand it over to the Universe to deal with. I'm done. Accept the things we can not change and change the things we can.
It is a time of year for reflection and introspection... a taking inventory of ourselves so to speak.
And as I gaze off the kitchen patio, down to the yard, with fruit trees and herbs and the sun shining, the mild crispness in the air... I breathe.... and I am happy. And full of love.
Everything will turn out the way it is meant to. Because that's the natural course of things.
The tree does not work hard at being a tree. It just is.
It does not fight against the wind and the rain... it dances in it.
And I will dance in this.