October 7th will be two years.
Two years that she has been gone.
I can't say I 'had' a daughter. That seems like such blasphemy. The correct term to me is 'HAVE' a daughter. But she is no longer huggable. I can no longer hear her laughter or her voice. I can't look forward to any more of her accomplishments because there are none.
Autumn again, and it's the same smell in the air. The same quirky wind and dampening light.
The time of year I have always loved.
Now it's also the time of year that I remember the knock on my door. The face that uttered words telling me she was gone.
Autumn décor goes up, as does a sense of dread. Macabre song of leaves in the trees.
This year also has included the end of my marriage. Though truthfully it ended long ago, it took a long time to realize that there was no light to sustain it. Just angry words and poison.
Seeds from the harvest, in fruit that is past its time,
Sink into the earth.
From the decay comes life they say, and so the wait begins.
Journey into darkness.
Settle and sleep until the dawn.
Sep 30, 2018
Another year almost here
October 7th will be two years.
Apr 7, 2018
Little Joys and Gentle Interactions While Loss is Nestled Firmly
Jan 3, 2018
No, I've not abandoned it
This blog I mean. I just don't feel like I have a lot to say. Some days are alright, some are horrible. Some days I go through the whole day without that sinking feeling, then other days (like yesterday) it suddenly hits me so hard I want to vomit.
I miss her.
It's cold and icy.
I'm not living healthily.
Oh, I found something that I'm kind of excited about. Ball-Jointed Dolls. An expensive hobby, but you know, if I'm not buying liquor and cigarettes that makes a huge difference.
These are the two dolls I'm hoping to get in the next two months. Both are from Doll Leaves.
Nina : http://www.doll-leaves.com/doll/view_488.html
and Jeremy: http://www.doll-leaves.com/doll/view_485.html
They will not have the outfits/wigs etc as shown - its a process to get them how I want them to be, but I'm excited about it.
Also, as I still hate Facebook (but love that my daughter's legacy page is there as well as a few people I can't talk to elsewhere) I was glad that someone who runs a group I belong to on FB suggested maybe having it somewhere else. I told him to check out MeWe because it's actually a very decent social network without tracking, algorithms or ads. And although I love Diaspora, for groups it just doesn't work. So I was back poking about on MeWe again today and really it's still a very impressive place. As for privacy its almost too private - public posts don't even exist - so its very low on the troll/briefing scale. If you are on mewe or want to check it out, Im there ~ https://mewe.com/i/birch.wind It's even pleasant to look at!
There is quite a bit of information about MeWe, just scroll down on the main home page and read their About and all that stuff .
Anyhow, nothing thought provoking tonight, just checking in to say im still here. *cheers*
Oct 13, 2017
A year has come, and passed.
How is it that a whole year just went by? I admit that I have, for the most part - been in a state of disassociation I think. Sometimes worse than others. But suddenly the day was here.
I had spent about 3 weeks FULLY completely dreading it. Then two weeks wondering what I should plan. Should I ask if her friends want to get together? How do I pay begrudging respect to this shitty day? Do we honour more, the day someone is born? They day they die? Do I HAVE to do anything at all? But not doing anything would feel so, so wrong. Also, it would be the Thanksgiving weekend.
Last year, when she died, October 7th fell on a Friday. The Friday before Thanksgiving. This year, October 7th fell on the Saturday. In most ways, Friday was the hardest because the Day Before Thanksgiving Weekend will always stand out in my mind. Walking the kids home from school, coming home and then having the police officer say what he said. Saturday was just sad.
It wasn't sad that Caitlin's younger brother , who just turned 23, came over for dinner with my husband, and our two youngest boys. That was great. He is doing well and is healthy and I'm proud of him. But he is the Youngest of the First Three. The three I raised when barely more than a child myself. I had my first son at 16, then Caitlin and her brother within a few years of him. We were on our own most of the time and we struggled through life.
And now.. . it was him holding fort as the First Batch kidlett. His older brother living in Japan, his older sister passed away to wherever she is. Just him. And that made me sad. Normally the three of them would be chatting, bugging each other etc. The 28 year old with his dry sarcasm and subtle ridiculousness, Caitlin with her constant chatter and 'Right mom?', and the 23 year old with his lively talk and ability to bounce back and forth between his older brother and sister. Often poking at both of them and ribbing them into what would have once been a big fight but over the years had tamed down into good natured laughter.
So my one son, he came for the whole day saturday, and as usual tried to initiate conversation with his little 8 and 10 year old half brothers. But those two aren't very social with people other than their dad and I. Social enough with friends, but they don't normally chat with any adults easily. Though they did pretty good with Caitlin.
We did the 'right' thing and went to the cemetery. I didn't really want to go. I don't feel her there. And it kind of creeps me out knowing that her shell is decaying in the soil beneath. That's the biggest reason, though I don't say that to those who take comfort in going to her grave. At least there is lovely headstone and people leave such pretty things for her. So -- Im glad it is of comfort to some. Not to me. I just find myself standing their awkwardly - unable to say much at all. Being in the presence of her burned body via ashes wouldn't help either. Nor would it be better for me if she was scattered to the wind. It all feels wrong anyhow so....
Went to the cemetery and picked up the lovely image a person had printed out and left at her grave for us. When i first saw it there I left it there, but then as soon as i got home I asked the cemetery owners if they could put it aside for me. So... yeah. got that.
On the front, a printed out image of the Doctor, pressed against the wall, separated from Rose because she was sent to a different dimension. Severed for eternity. The one episode I cried most in, my daughter and a few of my friends had WARNED me it was a tough episode but BOY did I cry. Written on the back, kind words from strangers ~ right down to the same Allons-y tattooed on my arm. The 10th Doctor's catch-phrase.
So, then we went home and I made a very non traditional Meatless Enchiladas for our very small, but very appreciated family meal. I told the rest of the family that I really just couldn't do the big Thanksgiving this year. Everyone was very understanding.
Now, the following weekend, that day has passed. I feel badly for not doing more. But at the same time, I know my daughter was very okay with taking the most comfortable route and she would be telling me 'It's okay mom, as long as we had good food and dessert!' :)
I love you my sweet lil girl. Forever and Ever.
Sep 16, 2017
End of Summer
This is about the time that all the trees with their dried out leaves begin to whisper about the Fall.
It is a time of year I normally love.
This year it is tainted and darker. There is more than just random stories in the chatter of the leaves. More than just a collection of memories from the stretched days of spring and summer.
This year there is a hushed conversation. Tentative and strained.
It feels like the preparation for a reenactment of that day. The day that will come again in about 3 week's time.
The day the police officer and his irritating sidekick (what was she? Victim's services? I don't even remember, her demeanor made me cringe, even in my shock) arrived to say those words "I'm sorry to inform you, at about 2:30 this afternoon, your daughter passed away".
I feel it like yesterday.
And it feels as though it is building up toward that scene once more. A horrible anniversary special.
Autumn has always been my favourite time and I recall last autumn, after she passed how deeply every single bit of seasonal glory stabbed me in the chest with a physical pain I could not have imagined. The feeling of her presence pulling out, separating, removing itself from my being, where it had been for almost 23 years.
As the days grow shorter and the dialogue of the trees becomes more consistent, I find myself in a precarious place of joy and agony.
I will love you forever. Through All of Time and Space.
[caption id="attachment_2970" align="alignnone" width="224"] Tattoo I had done in honour of her. 'Allons-y' being the catch phrase of #10 (David Tennant) , the TARDIS to represent her journey beyond time and space. A rose for the character Rose who broke the doctor's heart when they had to be separated in different dimensions. Snowdrops or her birth flower and 'All of Time and Space' ~ said by #11 . Colouring will be done next.[/caption]
Jul 23, 2017
Some drone footage of some of the inhabited areas devastated by our hundreds of fires here right now.
May 6, 2017
Jappix melted into Movim?
It looks similar to minds.com - which is opensourced and was created in part by Elgg peeps. What IS movim exactly?
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